Mrs. Pinetar hates bugs. Any bugs. Now I’m not thinking I want them in my house, but I realize that we share the world with these things and you will end up seeing them from time to time. So recently, we have ants coming in the house. Big carpenter ants. One here or there, nothing big really. But Mrs. Pinetar can’t stand them.
So she puts a chalk line down on the doorjams. Because apparently, “Ants will not cross a chalk line”. Period. They are incapable. No one knows why! Could be a good PHD thesis in there somewhere. Why don’t these little industrious ba*tards cross chalk?
I was just walking through the chalk at first and then I got yelled at. I didn’t notice it. But the ants did. Apparently, they are polite and actually use the door areas to enter the dwelling and that’s right where Mrs. Pinetar has the chalk down. So I keep hearing the “Ants will not cross…” line and I finally I google and wikipedia the daylights out of it and it’s a widely held belief! Also, it is pretty well held that ants can’t stand the smell of Peppermint and they are killed outright by baking soda. Another entry said that you can kill a fire ant nest by pouring 3 gallons of boiling water on it. Think of that. What geniuses! The scale there says that ants can’t stand a boiling lake of liquid raining down their hole. Could you? Could Bin Laden?
What about the Champagne region of France? The soil is notoriously chalky. Do they have no ants there because the ants just can’t get around? The White Cliffs of Dover are chalk, no? Ants? Guess not. It may work because I actually haven’t seen a single ant since the “Edict of Chalk”. And if you have an ant farm, do those guys actually grow anything?
Chris Carpenter throwing BP the other day and more recently threw his curve for the first time. Unsure if it was off of “flat ground”. Pavano swears by the flat ground. Carps was my second overall pick in fantasy in a big bet on starting pitching. Oswalt was number one. Oswalt’s WHIP is nearly a buck forty. League average is 1.37 so any day now, I’m expecting to hear of “stiffness” in Oswalt’s bulldozing-driving shoulder. If was the Yankees, I’d just BUY Johan Santana and Carlos Zambrano and be off.
Incidentally Yankee fans, how’s that cash plan working? The one where you spend way north of 200 million dollars? A game under .500 as we speak?! Oof!
And Ozzie Guillen, as I predicted in this space, preseason, is on the bubble and may get “done” any day now. If Ozzie goes, you can almost HEAR the ground under Torre get softer…hoohohohohoooo…
*** As promised, I will outline my plan to make XM sat radio’s traffic actually something I can use. Guys, Phoenix has it’s own traffic channel! What for? I’ll do the traffic for Phoenix for the next 10 years: I-10 is jammed. Done. That’s it!
New York City, New Jersey, Connecticut, and Long Island have 1 lousy, raggety-a** channel! That’s about 50 Phoenix areas in headcount and roads and pi**ed off guys who pay money to hear a dedicated traffic channel on XM in New York and end up flipping on the free stuff: 88AM on the eights and 1010 WINS on the 1′s. Even Bloomberg on the 5′s. They have better traffic. You s**k XM.
Here’s what you need to do. Make 4 channels for the NY-Metro area. Lose Phoenix and the Spanish Language soap opera channel and a few of the dopey hip-hop channels. There ain’t enough Zeppelin anyway. What are there? 3 Classic rock stations?
That’s right, 4 NY channels.
(1) Manhattan and River Crossings
(2) Westchester and Connecticut
(3) Long Island
(4) New Jersey
There you go, geniuses. And realize that if someone is in Westchester, they need to know about the Tappan Zee Bridge (the forgotten bridge of NY traffic) the GWB, the Tri-Boro, the White Stone and the Throgs Neck. Did I miss any? And the Cross Bronx should be mentioned, good or bad, every minute and a half!
And don’t put ADS on the f****ng traffic channel. I don’t want to sit in my car and wait out the f****n Zocor spots while waiting to take the Tappan Zee or risk the XBronx to George Washington. I need it NOW. Don’t make me wait. And don’t introduce it. I know WTF I’m listening to and swearing at. Just info. Info. Info. Don’t sell me anything.
And instead of telling me every minute who the traffic is brought to me by, try UPDATING IT! When I’m blowing down the Cross Bronx doing and unheard-of 55mph, don’t be telling me about the jam that’s obviously not there anymore!
And lose the goofy color scheme, would you? I’ve never ever heard it green, ok? When it’s red, I don’t care about red, I just want to know where the tractor-trailer, chemical spill is before I’m driving into the jam! It’s always yellow. 97% of the time it’s f****n yellow. The jam alert in NY, is yellow. Oh f***n boy. That’s too much information. Slow down, I can’t process it fast enough.
You could easily cut 1 minute and a half out of the loop and lose no information whatsoever. Maybe then, I could use it and wouldn’t have to listen to WINS or CBS. At CBS, Dan Rather can type up and xerox the jams 20 times before XM has anything on it.